The other day I went to Waveny Park in New Canaan which is where I go when I have to work some things out in my own head. There’s a lot going on in my life right now; health issues in the family, a heavy workload, and our imminent move to California are joining forces to test our resolve.
At times this is all too much for me to handle. The stress and uncertainty of it all are piling up on my shoulders and there are times when I question whether or not I can carry the load. I found myself under a tree at the park breaking down in tears.
This morning as I sat and waited for the train, I came very close to breaking down and crying again. Right at the moment when the first tear was about to form, I was given a gift from above. Not in the metaphorical “Gift from God” sense but a real gift from above (I have satellite radio) – Let it Be by the Beatles came on the radio station I was listening to.
“When the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me”
It’s very hard for me to admit when the stress becomes too much to handle as this means admitting to a weakness. I’m not supposed to be weak – I have to be the strong one, the decision maker, the one with all the answers, the one in control. You see everyone is counting on me to do the right thing, to make everything right, to handle all that is thrown at me and more with grace. I have to hit every pitch thrown to me or else I’ll let everyone down.
Sitting in my car this morning I was reminded about how unrealistic that is. I am but a very fallible human being who has very real limitations. I cannot control the health of a loved one, I cannot change the market conditions surrounding the sale of my home, and I can only work so much.
In short, I must remember to take a few moments and let it be. I need to have a little faith that things will not necessarily turn out all right as in some unrealistic Disney story but that they will turn out as they should turn out.
This is a hard notion to accept as it goes against what we are taught to be, but I must admit the prospect of closing my eyes, taking some deep breaths, and surrendering myself, my stress, and my fears is quite appealing.
The song was over and I still had a few minutes before walking towards the platform. After thinking these deep thoughts while McCartney sang, I was given another gift from above. The next song on the radio was Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t fear the Reaper.” There is no way I can listen to this song and not think of Christopher Walken demand more Cowbell from Will Ferrell. My emotions went from depressed to happy within 4 beats of a cowbell.
Maybe this morning’s programming was from a higher power after all. Perhaps God taught me an important lesson and, as a little reward, offered me the chance to laugh.