While watching News 12 last night, we came across a startling story involving the killing of chickens. Indeed, police say two Connecticut men killed 20 chickens by ripping their heads of in a drunken, jealous rage on Christmas. The news story has gone viral, spawning comments from a wide range of concerned social medians:

  • @napolean_dynamite: “Did the chickens have large talons?”
  • @Chic_Fil_A_Cow21: “Eat More Chickin'”
  • @RockyBalboa: “Ay, yo, Adrian, we’s havin’ chicken tonight. Don’t tell Butkus, it’s a surprise.”
  • @MickeyGoldmil: “I told him to catch the chicken, not break its beak.”
  • @GinBlossoms: “Tomorrow we can drive around this town, And let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place… Hey jealousy.”

It wasn’t long before the Commander in Tweet felt the need to put his two cents in, welcoming both praise and criticisms from fellow twitter users:

  • @RealDonaldTrump: “This wouldn’t have happened if they built a higher wall around the chicken coop. Sad.”
  • @SteveBannon: “Trump’s team met with the chicken killers in June of 2016 at Trump Tower. Only now do we realize how treasonous and unpatriotic this meeting was.”
  • @ChrissySnowFlake: “And how many pounds of chicken do you serve at Mar-a-Lago each year Mr. President? Resign now and cluck somewhere else.”
  • @PatriotPat: “Build the wall Mr. President, and lock the chicken killers up.”

Then, the animal rights activists weighed in:

  • @PetaPete: “Not only should these men be locked up, but so should the owners who imprisoned these magnificent large taloned creatures. Separately, anyone know what to do for anemia? Asking for a friend.”
  • @PamelaAnderson: “Am I still a thing? If so, I say that these innocent feathered beings of love and light deserve justice. Make the killers watch Barb Wire and Snapdragon on an endless loop.”
  • @ChickenLoverLawrencePhD: “I just published a paper called Thinking Chickens: A review of cognition, emotion and behavior in the domestic chicken. They are very sophisticated in a number of areas and it turns out that they do care about one another. They knew what was going on.”

As a father of three teens, I sometimes worry that stories of my past drunken escapades might come out, though now I’m less worried about the kids hearing about the time I stole a table from Ted’s Restaurant on the way back to Hilltop from Yellow House or when I dug a tree out of the ground near UCONN’s student union because, hey, that was a lot better than going on a murderous rampage terminating the lives of a score of birds.